How Mrs Hinch's relationship with her Mum changed mine with my youngest daughter
I was reading an Instagram post this morning by Anna Williamson about never threatening or joking to leave your child when your angry, frustrated or overwhelmed. And how every day/night she verbally re-establishes with her children that she’s there and will come back when she has to leave.
Initially I thought S**T, I have done this in moments of overwhelm- said I feel like walking out of the door. I started trying to think about how I would have actually worded it in those moments and felt the insecurity of have I damaged my children rising.
Reading the comments on the post, I saw parent’s, with similar worries, guards going up and being projected in written form. Our immediate reaction to get defensive.
I thought about the time recently when I wasn’t stood waiting when Bunny came out of her school door like I usually am. How as I walked up to the pick up point amongst the other parents- as I wasn’t actually late, just not early!- She ran over to me and burst into tears. I thought about the conversation we had on the way home where I reassured her that I would never just not pick her up.
Bunny is my youngest daughter, and a Mama’s girl to the core. She is very attached to me and finds it really tough to be separated from me.
Whilst this is lovely and provides my heart and my inner child with a kind of love I’ve always needed, it sometimes felt extremely suffocating for adult me, or me as Emma not Mama.
I actually really struggled with navigating this intensive love when she was around the ages of about 4-6. It was exhausting managing situations so I could do things childfree even though she’d be at home with her dad (my husband). It didn’t stop me doing things alone but we’d all tread on egg shells around her if I was going anywhere without her and the meltdowns that ensued would feel so intense.
Then I read Mrs Hinch’s book This is Me.
In her book, she talks about her relationship with her Mum, their bond and how she just needs to be near her, even now as an adult. It was a hugely pivotal moment for me as a Mam because I thought is this how Bunny feels about me?
And it completely changed my perception.
I went from feeling suffocated to realising she just needs me more. It was her telling me that she needs me more.
And all of a sudden I got it. A lightbulb moment. Why would I fight that, of all things?!
It wasn’t her being awkward or too attached, as the narratives we are fed would suggest. I wasn’t being too soft with her.
Isn’t it strange how as parents we’re expected to do a whole heap of things that contradict each other?!
I am her safe place and always have been from the very moment she was created.
Why would I not want to meet this need?!
She is very capable of managing her world independently but she doesn’t want to. She wants me there with her, behind her, holding her hand. She just needs me more.
I stopped anticipating the meltdowns when I was leaving her- I felt much better about leaving her actually. I realised it wasn’t anything I was doing or needed to do.
It wasn’t me. It wasn’t her.
It was love.
